It was frigid, but it was not the painful kind. The still cold felt very calming, welcoming even. It’s a sensation I’ve felt most in my thirties since I spent most of it up north where the bustling city is, a city in which was always greeted by the aurora borealis above like old friends. But yet, it feels oddly different than the many times before. The coldness engulfed me entirely as if I was drowning in a lake held by winter. It was a rather tingling sensation, almost flowing through every inch of my being. I felt adrift while at the same time anchored.

The feeling of contradiction conjured in my thoughts as I wandered about in this darkness, this cold void. I have seen all kinds of darkness, the kind you see when jealousy and envy silently breeds amongst your peers. The kind you see when venturing upon a cave in the wilderness to capture an ephemeral sense of inspiration for your life’s work. But this darkness I am in now is nothing I have ever seen or felt before. There was a sense of peace, but a strange one. A kind of peace that you know you deserve but would rather not take, at least not yet. The darkness obscured my senses as I felt shapeless. I feel like I am a nebula in an ocean of stars. This void calmed me but also awakened me. I have never felt this awoken before. I feel like I am everything, but at the same time nothing. The words to describe my feelings of this peculiar place slowly escape me as my memories of certain words slowly wash away. Not entirely gone, but rather just drifting away. It is like parting ways from a big friend in school whom has supported your art and protected you from bullies. I guess you can say, the cold and the dark go hand in hand. One reminds you that you exist, while the other shows you why. What a wonderful feeling it is.

I continue to trust myself and head onward while blinded by the dark and engulfed by the gnawing cold. I do not know how long it has been since I have been advancing forwards. My concept of time is heavily obscured by my environment. I tried to keep track by counting in my head, but the meaning of such measurements slowly escaped me as the concept of seconds and hours dissolved in my mind. I was never really good at math anyways, but I always excelled at art. I guess in a way my thoughts in this darkness are like paint on a canvas that was drowned in water. The colors fade away slowly until the once used canvas is brand new again. But why though? My mind rejects the notion of counting as if it never existed to begin with. I felt lighter because of this. Lighter because logical thinking seems to not matter in this cold dark, this long night. I surely cannot wait for morning to arise so I can finally get back home to my workshop where my masterpieces dwelled and are waiting to be completed.  

My luck seems to have shifted at last, as I glare into the distance and see a faint small light. A candle of hope it seems. It grew larger ever so slightly as I moved closer to it. I guess you can say, I was quite attracted to it, like a moth to a flame. It was the only sense of hope and comfort in this void. It became a beacon of guidance for me. Suddenly, the dense cold swallowing my existence didn’t feel so intrusive anymore. Interesting how a small amount of light can ignite a ray of hope no matter how dark things may be, or at least that is what I choose to believe. Approaching this candlelight felt like eternity but I was confident I was getting closer to it as it grew larger within this unknown distance. I find it odd how even a candlelight from afar still did not aid me into figuring out where exactly I am. I would expect to see the candlelight be reflected upon surfaces. Such details can only be noticed by the eyes of a creative, as they see and experience the world differently.          

This unknown darkness felt like it was alive. I would vaguely see flashes of imagery, or at least what I think are imagery. It was extremely difficult to prove that what I saw were images exactly. The images felt like they were not meant to be seen, but felt. They flashed so rapidly like a broken projector. I can somewhat make out what they were attempting to show me. I would see rapidly fading images of a boy running in an isolated forest. He was not of fear but of wonder and curiosity as he touched everything he saw. He touched the fleeting dandelions blown by the wind, mystified by their ability of flight. He felt the rugged barks of the trees that towered over him, allowing them to speak to him in a way most cannot fathom. He lied upon the lush grass, allowing their fragile points to comfort him like carpet. This boy’s entire world was of boundless adventure, imagination, and creativity. This boy was born for greatness as I could feel his energy subconsciously mirror my own. His gift was his unique sense of touch.

It feels like I’ve been traveling for miles while at the same time it feels like only a few meters. A rather strange feeling it seems to not know exactly how far I have physically traveled. This night, this darkness I feel is deceiving me in ways I cannot comprehend. I am happy that I have one thing accompanying me in this endless night, the light from afar. The once small candlelight in the dark now appeared larger as I continued on with my journey. It did not just appear larger, it got brighter even, a sign of hope. Its shape now slowly morphed into a vertical oval, reminiscent of a tunnel or cave of sorts. Whatever it is, I am drawn to it more. It is like a form of seduction, I am compelled to meet its destination.

It was not just the cave’s light that was here with me but these seemingly odd flashing images like the ones I encountered before. I was still swallowed by this darkness, this infinite night, but the images gave comforting contrast but not enough. This mental imagery flashed in random patterns, hard to make out what they were trying to show me, are these even for me? It is like trying to watch a damaged camera, I can only glimpse into a few of the frames. This time around I can make out a young adult surrounded by people who adored him. Beside this handsome young man was a life size clay sculpture depicting a boy relaxing beside a tree. This young sculptor somehow captured the innocence and wonder of childhood. The face of the figure was solemn and joyous. The anatomy was immaculate as it seemed to transcend time. Even the details of the tree were realistic. Oh my, what a sight it was to behold. This young man was respected wholeheartedly by the crowd, I feel his energy. I feel a sense of happiness and accomplishment, such a wondrous feeling as my smile mirrored his while standing next to his masterpiece born in clay.

I suddenly sense something new in this ocean of night. Fear started to creep up within as this sensation was different than the light and flashing imagery. All this time, my eyes were terrified of the night’s hold on me. This time, it is my ears who now share the night’s dreadful grasp. I am not greeted by sudden loud noises but rather the opposite. I faintly hear low vibrations that come in a distinct rhythm. The vibrations are low but they are there, I know of their presence and they know of mine. To my horror, I now know the source of these low vibrations. The one ally I have in this infinite darkness is now something I cannot trust entirely. The light that guided me all this time is now as large as the sun as if I am a tiny astronaut seeing the source of all life for the first time at face value. The shape of this odd light maintained its vertical oval form but it has now encapsulated my sense of vision, the darkness is now the minority, but this is not as comforting as I think. The light now was a planet sized anomaly that hummed mysterious vibrations. Whatever hope I had earlier of it hopefully being the end of this nightmare has now diminished.

These low vibrations kept getting louder and louder as I got closer to the light until I was disrupted once more by blinding imagery. It is a storm of flashes, it is chaos. It is violence incarnate as the broken imagery intervened with my existence. I took a closer look of what they had to say this time around. Amongst the bombardment of visceral flashes and fractured frames, I saw a man in his thirties walking rather peacefully at a road late at night. The concrete jungle of urban lights and skyscrapers surrounded him like a set in a movie. His attire was very gentleman like, it accompanied his complex personality and thoughts. His fashion tastes matched the quality of his creative endeavors and successes. His walk was different the closer he approached the building in front of him, he was excited about something it seemed. This building I feel is his place of work, but to someone like him it wasn’t considered work but rather play. I can feel his spirit exude inspiration as if he was anointed by powers unexplainable. He was a man of wealth, but not of monetary means but of something else far more powerful. He was onto something big, his mind was designed for grand and elegant ideas after all. He was ambitious by nature, of course he was, nature was his only teacher in life. Through his talents, he honored nature by depicting it intelligently through his masterpieces with the help of his divine hands. His innate personality, vision, and inner voice bestowed me grand admiration for a character such as he. I have a strange connection with him in which I cannot find the words to describe.

Out of nowhere a bright light struck the man walking. His entire being was lit from top to bottom with his eyes affixed to the source of the sudden lights. A loud drawn out horn can be heard. It wasn’t a pleasant sounding horn like the ones from an orchestra. It was the sound of inevitability. It was the sound of finality, the last scene of a film. It was the sound of a machine who just got way too close and way too fast. The man in all of his glory walked his last steps as his body became a puppet in a span of a second, that was all it took. A loud collision between flesh and metal can be heard. He became a puppet of gravity as his body laid in the middle of the road lifeless. I am swallowed by this sudden wave of extreme sadness and depression as I wept for this character. I felt all of his dreams, goals, hopes, and future endeavors vanish in an instant because of something that could of easily been avoided. His body despite being broken in more ways than one resembled like one of his masterpieces laying in a bed of grass. Even his tragedy had a design embedded within it, I find it rather poetic. I stood there just reflecting upon this great man who was once high up in life, but now he is in the lowest of lows. The cold hard ground was the only thing hugging him in his final moment. Was it all worth it? His life? I am sure it was because somewhere out there, his works inspired many regardless if he knew it or not. His brief existence and the small time granted to him by powers unknown was used well. But knowing him, this man had many more things to share in this world, things that no one will ever experience now. I hope the things that he did finish creating will live on and inspire generations after him. At least that’s what I would like to believe. Or maybe the world would simply forget him slowly in time. Maybe his masterpieces served a secret purpose, maybe he did not just depict nature but he also hid his sadness within all of them. Maybe it was his way of telling the world that he existed. I deeply mourned for him as I stared into his lifeless face. His eyes were still open and his mouth had a peculiar but subtle smile in it as if the last thing he saw was the divine. This same subtle smile was mirrored on to me as we both shared a moment together like old friends from a previous chapter. This man felt strangely familiar to me. But my logical mind was inconsistent as my memories seem to dissolve the further I am here in this long night. My mind was a puzzle that was in reverse, it seemed to be disassembling itself. Who was this man?

I am taken aback suddenly, and now the once humble light that accompanied me in this journey is now fully grown to the point where everything was now white. It was like staring at the sun up close, it hurt. I could barely see the night anymore, but in exchange everything that was once dark and unknown was now just blinding me terribly, I cannot make out what was inside this light. In addition, the low vibrations that hummed in a rhythm became much louder in clarity. It was a strange sensation, I feel like I understand the vibrations, the sound that they make. My mind was numb from the transition from darkness to light. It feels like my conscious mind is resetting itself, it is a sensation that feels oddly calming and peaceful. The light that engulfed every part of my being suddenly grew two appendages, one on each opposite side of the gargantuan oval shaped light. Each one has five digits that curled about. I could still somewhat see the edge of this shape despite my eyes being smitten by the bright color. Both of these appendages took hold of me and pulled me into the light. Beyond this light, I would hear the vibrations from before but now they are a lot clearer to the point where I can make out the sounds that they emulated. The vibrations that once mystified me formed sounds that feel familiar. I now understand why they were in a rhythm before. The rhythm of the sounds created a sense of comfort and progress. The sounds took form of “Push, keep pushing”. This sequence of sounds would repeat as I am getting pulled into the light. It was accompanied by an agonizing scream as well coming from the background. The appendages holding on to me greeted me into this world of bright hue and a plethora of vibrations. This overwhelmed me, I cannot take it anymore so I yelled for help, but articulate words did not exit my mouth, it was just senseless slurred cries. I cannot even form words anymore. My eyes cannot be opened fully, everything was just too bright for me to comprehend. But I can still see things faintly within this new world. I see a being laid out in front of me, looking at me with great empathy, kindness, and gentleness. For some strange reason, I feel comforted by this being. I sense more sounds now that the agonizing scream from before stopped, but I cannot understand them.  

What is this world?

Why am I here?

Where did I come from?

But more importantly, who am I?